Friday, March 23, 2012

and then I came home and cried...

Yesterday was hard. No, it was really, really hard. I think I would've cried a bucket of tears if I had not been surrounded by people...namely, my friends. Friends with kids who obey them.

And there I sat.

Asking him to do something over and over. And did he respond? No. Did he obey? No. In fact, that's all I heard. "NO!" and then my faced turned scarlet in embarrassment and my heart ached like never before.

Why did it ache?

For plenty of reasons, actually. Because my child is turning into a little man. Because he doesn't want to listen. Because I was ignored. Because I was ignored in front of others. Because I was embarrassed about being ignored in front of others. Because I questioned where I'd gone wrong, what had I not done right, even wondered why I was trying, and then feeling guilty that I wondered why I was trying.

Every mom goes through something. And it may not be this. Maybe you're child's quiet. Too quiet. Maybe their bully-ish. Maybe they are bossy. But even knowing that we all have our battles, I sat there on that beige carpet, surrounded by friends, feeling ashamed and so alone.

And then I came home and cried.

People will give advice and pointers and try their best to help. They'll give scripture and remedies and books and quote great authors. But when you're sitting there, a complete mess and ready to give up, all you can do it pray. And so I did... And to all of you sweet moms out there giving it your best and it doesn't seem good enough. Just know, it's not. But His best is perfect.

Lord help me when the days are so long,
and my temper is so short,
and my eyes are tired, and my arms ache, and my spirit is sad.
Lord help me when my flesh is stronger than my knowledge of You,
and my tears flow more than the smiles do,
and my heart breaks more than it laughs.
Lord help me when I more like me than I am like You,
when I'm less of the mother I should be and more of the sinner You redeemed.
when I am more of what I am than what You would have me become. And help me as I teach them to be like You, to learn more of You myself.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Tori, I'm not gonna give you any advise. That's not what you need now and I'm the least qualified to do so anyways. I'll just say this, Evie on the most part obeys, is an easy child inspite of her whining ways. Jasmine is my little spit fire, any kind of discipline turns into a major ordeal, I mean MAJOR! Both are being raised the same way. Some kids need only a gentle reminder or two, some kids need months of training to obtain obedience, some kids take years to learn, some kids take a half a decade or more. But I believe with time, prayer and dedication EVERY KID WILL LEARN TO OBEY. Will, is only two, he is still in the learning stage, he is still being trained, he hasn't reached maximum obedience because you're not finished with him yet. He'll learn! At least that's what I keep telling myself on frustrating days with my two year old! Love you Tori, there is never a reason to feel lonely, trust me, your situation is not rare, especially in the Christian community. Sometimes kids rebel the most right before they are 'broken in'. If you ever wanted to not feel lonely bring Will over here, watch him and Jasmine battle it out, both strong willed, energetic and sometimes even bullies. ;)

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  2. I was there and I admire your loving, mothering heart of love. Prayer is the best first response to have. I'm so proud of you. It must have been so hard. I know you just wanted to be able to enjoy your Anna's welcoming party. I know you were disappointed in his behavior, but you were on top of things including little Anna and very consistent doing all you could to encourage obedience. Sin is a personal choice no matter how small person or the sin. I am always here for you and pray for you. Your life is a reflection of Jesus love. You love Him, Husband, and now two children. Your extended family loves you too and the many people who 's life you touch in ministry.

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  3. I've been crying for nearly 14 years now. You are not alone. I've had to learn (and unfortunately for my children I didn't "get it" until about 2 years ago!!! TWO years!)that feeling pressure from my denomination that I am not a biblical mother because my children don't "perform" the way they think they should or that they (my children) should be spanked more and more and more.....when they don't obey immediately the FIRST time. Where did I go wrong? Uh-uh. Then I'm conforming to man-made rules and not following the fact that God made us each and every one oh so different. And that each one needs a different touch!! Everyone one of us needs the grace that God extended to us!! And we're still trying to figure out just exactly what each of our children needs. P.S. I struggle with this every day...but they need praise more and more than finger pointing......someone to cheer for them when they do it right....because more often than not.....it's so much easier to correct the oh-so-many things we see them do wrong!
    P..S. Can I tell you a story about my red-head that put me in exactly the same position you were in yesterday? Imagine Easter Sunday. Lots of visitors. Cantata. Daddy is the music minister and has his back to the congregation, of course. I was in the nursery with the red head's baby sister. The 3 year old red-head was with her "class" and the leader of that class decided it would be a good idea to march this little class of little ones up to the front row to listen to the Cantata. No one sat by my little red-head. So in her Easter finery, she decided to get up out of her seat and go sit on the steps facing the congregation grinning at them like she was saying..."aren't I cute?" When not. one. single. person responded to her, she decided to LAY DOWN and see what would happen. Finally, my mother-in-law in morbid embarrassment, walked up there and scooped her up and marched her out to me in the nursery. Yes, I had a moment like you.....

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  4. Thanks to all of you for commiserating with me. I hoped to share my burden while encouraging other moms who felt "alone" this week. I will say that these friends that saw all of this happen were very sweet and were not in the least judgemental :) They also didn't have to jump up to stop their child from misbehaving every two seconds either though. God is going to use this silly kid and I'm sure of it. It's just so difficult sometimes. Thank you all for your helpful words, they mean so much!

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  5. All mothers go through similar situations, I know I did! You can only do your best with God's help. Just remember God knows your heart!

    Love,
    Aunt Debbie

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