and then I came home and cried...

Yesterday was hard. No, it was really, really hard. I think I would've cried a bucket of tears if I had not been surrounded by people...namely, my friends. Friends with kids who obey them.

And there I sat.

Asking him to do something over and over. And did he respond? No. Did he obey? No. In fact, that's all I heard. "NO!" and then my faced turned scarlet in embarrassment and my heart ached like never before.

Why did it ache?

For plenty of reasons, actually. Because my child is turning into a little man. Because he doesn't want to listen. Because I was ignored. Because I was ignored in front of others. Because I was embarrassed about being ignored in front of others. Because I questioned where I'd gone wrong, what had I not done right, even wondered why I was trying, and then feeling guilty that I wondered why I was trying.

Every mom goes through something. And it may not be this. Maybe you're child's quiet. Too quiet. Maybe their bully-ish. Maybe they are bossy. But even knowing that we all have our battles, I sat there on that beige carpet, surrounded by friends, feeling ashamed and so alone.

And then I came home and cried.

People will give advice and pointers and try their best to help. They'll give scripture and remedies and books and quote great authors. But when you're sitting there, a complete mess and ready to give up, all you can do it pray. And so I did... And to all of you sweet moms out there giving it your best and it doesn't seem good enough. Just know, it's not. But His best is perfect.

Lord help me when the days are so long,
and my temper is so short,
and my eyes are tired, and my arms ache, and my spirit is sad.
Lord help me when my flesh is stronger than my knowledge of You,
and my tears flow more than the smiles do,
and my heart breaks more than it laughs.
Lord help me when I more like me than I am like You,
when I'm less of the mother I should be and more of the sinner You redeemed.
when I am more of what I am than what You would have me become. And help me as I teach them to be like You, to learn more of You myself.

Just Him

I stand there leaning against the wall, and cry. And in here, I'm safe because no one can hear, and no one can see and I can heave and moan and let the salty brine cascade down my cheeks because there's water all around.

My troubles float past my ankles, and trickle down the drain. "When is it going to change? I can't...I just can't keep on like this." All the friends I love and cherish, who I would ask to help me with this load, cannot help. And there is no one that I can talk to, not a listening ear or a shoulder to lean against. None to hand me a tissue soft and white to dry my tears. Or any friend to tell me of the mascara that's a smudgy mess under my puffy eyes. Not a crutch in sight to help me hobble on down this treacherous road of snares, past the 'Slough of Despond' and up this 'Hill of Difficulty'. And when I think no one cares and there's not one who would understand, He whispers, "I'm all you need."

And God is so good to give us friends. They are flecks of pure gold as we trudge through the murky waters of life. But sometimes, He likes to leave us lonely of friendship, and bereaved of a shoulder so that we'll long for His sweet listening ear.

I realize that I have been crippled and clinging to the side of the cliff, crying for help for so long. I finally look up instead of looking down. I finally hear instead of scream. I finally trust instead of weep. And He takes me into His loving arms, that were there all along ready to help and longing to deliver.

He alone is able to save! He is the only One, Who can not just listen to my problems, but solve every one. And He knows everything I'm feeling, and He feels every pain I've suffered. My sweet Heavenly Father loves me with an unrivalled love.

And now I sit in disgust, thinking of how I sob for an earthly burden bearer.

So, like a child, I crawl up into His lap for just a little while and He wipes every tear away. And He reminds me that He is always near, and that He 'will never leave me'. I wrap my arms around Him and tell Him that I'm sorry for not asking Him for His help first. And just before I go He says "I'm a 'friend that sticketh closer than a brother' and only I am 'able to do exceeding abundantly above all' that ye ask or think."

And right now, in this sacred moment, I need nothing, no one, just Him and His friendship.

I dry my hair and pillow my head, with all my troubles left in the tub. Clear mind, clean heart.

Singing I go, along life's road, praising the Lord, praising the Lord.
Singing I go, along life's road, for Jesus has lifted my load.