Just Him

I stand there leaning against the wall, and cry. And in here, I'm safe because no one can hear, and no one can see and I can heave and moan and let the salty brine cascade down my cheeks because there's water all around.

My troubles float past my ankles, and trickle down the drain. "When is it going to change? I can't...I just can't keep on like this." All the friends I love and cherish, who I would ask to help me with this load, cannot help. And there is no one that I can talk to, not a listening ear or a shoulder to lean against. None to hand me a tissue soft and white to dry my tears. Or any friend to tell me of the mascara that's a smudgy mess under my puffy eyes. Not a crutch in sight to help me hobble on down this treacherous road of snares, past the 'Slough of Despond' and up this 'Hill of Difficulty'. And when I think no one cares and there's not one who would understand, He whispers, "I'm all you need."

And God is so good to give us friends. They are flecks of pure gold as we trudge through the murky waters of life. But sometimes, He likes to leave us lonely of friendship, and bereaved of a shoulder so that we'll long for His sweet listening ear.

I realize that I have been crippled and clinging to the side of the cliff, crying for help for so long. I finally look up instead of looking down. I finally hear instead of scream. I finally trust instead of weep. And He takes me into His loving arms, that were there all along ready to help and longing to deliver.

He alone is able to save! He is the only One, Who can not just listen to my problems, but solve every one. And He knows everything I'm feeling, and He feels every pain I've suffered. My sweet Heavenly Father loves me with an unrivalled love.

And now I sit in disgust, thinking of how I sob for an earthly burden bearer.

So, like a child, I crawl up into His lap for just a little while and He wipes every tear away. And He reminds me that He is always near, and that He 'will never leave me'. I wrap my arms around Him and tell Him that I'm sorry for not asking Him for His help first. And just before I go He says "I'm a 'friend that sticketh closer than a brother' and only I am 'able to do exceeding abundantly above all' that ye ask or think."

And right now, in this sacred moment, I need nothing, no one, just Him and His friendship.

I dry my hair and pillow my head, with all my troubles left in the tub. Clear mind, clean heart.

Singing I go, along life's road, praising the Lord, praising the Lord.
Singing I go, along life's road, for Jesus has lifted my load.

And I Rest

We dance in his bedroom, our nightly waltz. His eyelids droop with the sweet dew of sleep and mine too. I kiss his miniature hands and slender fingers as they caress my face, back and forth, back and forth.

As I hold him I think that he feels much heavier. Though he is still the smallest of his peers, he seems so big to me now, here, in this moment. He used to be nothing more than a peapod to cuddle in my arms, but tonight his head hangs over one end and legs dangle forever down the other.

And I sway, back and forth, back and forth.

He stirs, and I shush, and he sleeps. His one hand rests on my collarbone, with fingers encircling 'round my neck, his other is tucked gently in between his chest and mine. The baby boy breathes heavy and his sleep is sound. He folds like a rag doll, so quietly into his blankets.

As I lay him down, I believe there is nothing this wonderful and yet so heartwrenching. That there is nothing so beautiful and so sad.

I let go. And he doesn't see me leave.

He sleeps and I lie awake in bed, thinking of him. Listening for him. Loving him.

And the Spirit brings to my mind a picture of the Father, "He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper:.." Ps 121:3-5a

Our loving Father keeps us while we sleep. So I can rest, knowing the Hand that holds my heart when it is breaking is holding my baby boy too. I can slumber, because He does not.

And though I do not know His plans for his future, I do know that they are better than mine. And though it seems to be flying so fast, I know He controls it all. And I toss and turn some. One or two more peeps into his room.

All is still and calm.

And I return to bed. And I rest, because the Father is watching over us.