and then I came home and cried...

Yesterday was hard. No, it was really, really hard. I think I would've cried a bucket of tears if I had not been surrounded by people...namely, my friends. Friends with kids who obey them.

And there I sat.

Asking him to do something over and over. And did he respond? No. Did he obey? No. In fact, that's all I heard. "NO!" and then my faced turned scarlet in embarrassment and my heart ached like never before.

Why did it ache?

For plenty of reasons, actually. Because my child is turning into a little man. Because he doesn't want to listen. Because I was ignored. Because I was ignored in front of others. Because I was embarrassed about being ignored in front of others. Because I questioned where I'd gone wrong, what had I not done right, even wondered why I was trying, and then feeling guilty that I wondered why I was trying.

Every mom goes through something. And it may not be this. Maybe you're child's quiet. Too quiet. Maybe their bully-ish. Maybe they are bossy. But even knowing that we all have our battles, I sat there on that beige carpet, surrounded by friends, feeling ashamed and so alone.

And then I came home and cried.

People will give advice and pointers and try their best to help. They'll give scripture and remedies and books and quote great authors. But when you're sitting there, a complete mess and ready to give up, all you can do it pray. And so I did... And to all of you sweet moms out there giving it your best and it doesn't seem good enough. Just know, it's not. But His best is perfect.

Lord help me when the days are so long,
and my temper is so short,
and my eyes are tired, and my arms ache, and my spirit is sad.
Lord help me when my flesh is stronger than my knowledge of You,
and my tears flow more than the smiles do,
and my heart breaks more than it laughs.
Lord help me when I more like me than I am like You,
when I'm less of the mother I should be and more of the sinner You redeemed.
when I am more of what I am than what You would have me become. And help me as I teach them to be like You, to learn more of You myself.

one month of Anna

She is amazing. Ten soft fingers with nails that tend to peel as soon as they start to get long. Ten little toes on these rather long feet. Three chins, that take a little while to clean every morning and a short stubby body, unlike her older brother who was always rather long and lanky. Her inner thighs have smallish rolls around the diaper and she likes to sleep with her eyes open. A grunter and a snorter and likes the all-you can-eat-buffet of mommy's milk. I haven't painted her as lady-like but she really is quite beautiful. I don't know for sure but she has this beautiful auburn hair and these navy-grey eyes that are getting a warm hazel ring around the pupil... and seems to have a warm skin tone like her momma. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking into a mirror. Our baby pictures are so alike, except...she has hair. Thank goodness.

arms to hold

He is two years of age.

No longer does his body curl up like a round ball in my arms.

And I watch this new one

Wrapped in this pink and white striped gown,

Her deep auburn strands shining in the window light,

And I think, I need to enjoy it;

Every moment that I have.

Because he won't let me do this anymore.

He barely pauses for a hug,

One long enough to satisfy my aching heart.

Our time is so precious

It is truly a gift.

Thank You, Lord

Thank You for this gift

Life and love and happiness is mine.

I don't deserve it.

Help this momma,

My mind to calm

And my heart to feel,

My arms to hold 

And love.

All that You've given

With all that I am.