There's a first time for everything...

Warm, my arms are still warm from holding his little body. The heat radiating from his little back, belly, underarms, was just pitiful. I held him most of today and my heart broke most of it too. He was hurting and there wasn't much I could do.

I am his Mommy. I couldn't do much, but I did what I could.

I traipsed into his room at 8:15 this morning. He woke me with a sad wail, not the usual cheery, jibber-jabber. Picking him up I noticed his wet clothing. "Aw, you wet through your diaper huh, little guy?" But that smell, what was that?

It didn't take long to find out. After getting him cleaned up and a fresh outfit pulled over his tossled red mop, was walked into the living room and took our usual "breakfast" seat. He ate rapidly, and promptly tossed up his "eggs Benedict". I was confused. Perhaps, I had too much dairy the day before? He has been known to not handle large amounts well.

After cleaning him up once again, he decided to let loose another time on the dining room floor. This baffled me for but a moment...that smell again. "He must've vomited this morning in bed too," I concluded.

All of this continued throughout the morning: eat, complain, vomit, hungry again, eat, complain, vomit. Lovely.
We had an appointment already with a brand new pediatrician. And this is how she would meet our little man? Oh I'm sure she'll love us. "Oh look, here comes the lady with the baby who puked all over our office." Nothing like a good first impression.

3:30pm rolled around and he did puke. on the floor. in room number 4. She said it was a virus. And I nod. And we leave.

He's never been sick before. But, there's a first time for everything, right? And now, in the car on the way home, I wish that this overly used and rather trite statement wasn't true, for the baby boy's sake and mine.
Daddy greets us at the door. He holds the scrawny tidbit. Will manages a smile. We go inside. I cry a few tears through the evening as every meal comes right back up. The Doctor calls to check on him. She says she'll call again tomorrow.

I miss my happy baby. But what I miss more is the absence of pain.

I hold him and I love him. And Daddy holds him too. And he wants me again so I hug him some more and make him drink. His lips are parched and creased with lack of fluid. He licks his dry mouth, "Mama-mama-mama-maaa," he whimpers and I whisper, "I know baby, you're gonna be OK." This fever he has is his body fighting and trying to win a war with the foreign germs inside. I could give him something to ease the pain. But, if I just let him work through the pain, he'll be stronger next time.

And I think of how my Heavenly Father must weep at times when I am hurting. He holds me in His Almighty hand and rocks me to sleep, and I rest in His will. Though it hurts and I wish I wasn't there in the valley, He wishes I wasn't too. He is so Wonderful to weep with us, to work through us and to wait on us.

There are times when He decides to let us work through the pain, instead of take it away. To endure the wounds of sorrow, instead of patching them immediately. He lets us hurt, so that we'll cuddle up next to Him and seek His hands of comfort and love.

Lord, thank You, for holding me when sorrow overwhelms and I seek to drown it with my tears. Thank You for loving me, even when my soul smells like sickness. You're there every time for everything. There's a first time for everything...and I know it won't be the last.

Last night was just for fun

So, I had the opportunity to just have fun and let some pre-teen girls soak in thier gorgeousness. Ha ha ha *wink. A friend of mine from church, Brenda, has a cutesie red-mopped daughter, Lexi, turning 13 this week! So she planned for the girls at the party to get a little make-over and then get pics done. Granted, by the time the make-up was done it was 7:50pm. And anyone who knows anything about natural light photography will tell you it's almost impossible to get anything under ISO of 800 after 7:50pm. So what did we do? We just shot at a high ISO and yes...even used a little bit o' flash *GASP, I know. I wouldn't have but, you should've seen thier sad faces when I said it was getting too dark.

So here they are...please don't judge my everyday performance on this. Like I said..."Last night was just for fun".

She is so stinkin cute! Happy Birthday Lex!

Check out her sweet friends!

from left: Lexi, Andrea, Tatum, Mariah, Abi, and Emily

I love her laugh! She's such a happy kid :)

She's in love with her tenni's.

Her mom made this gorgeous, scrum-diddly-umpsious cake!!!

Lexi is a natural in front of the camera. I told her mom that I was sorry we didn't get too many good ones, because of lack of light. But that I would love to do a shoot with just her! As a birthday present :) She agreed, so hopefully I'll be going out again soon...just for fun.

Maybe If I Will, They Will.

The trip we just took with our Juniors and Seniors was just wonderful. Thanks all of you for making it a blast! Hope you learned a lot from "Leadership 101".

An amazing few days with a few amazing people.

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We were screaming and laughing all at the same time. And our laughter whipped past us and flew over the others in back and all the way off the rails. We stood and dismounted the car and headed down the steps that lead away from the coaster. "That was AwEsOmE!" she said.
I knew she would love it. She had never done that before. And she didn't want to do it then. But through trust and a little "peer force, forget peer pressure" she decided to try something new.

Ride after ride, she kept on trying new things. I did too. I rode backwards. I said I wouldn't ever ride backwards. But when the time came, I looked at her, brave, young and stronger than she was yesterday, and said, "If you will, I will." And she did, and I did.

I did it because of what it would do for someone else.

I did it because of my children.

I don't want them to grow up with a mother who "wouldn't" because more than likely that meant, they "wouldn't".
The road home, thick with dust and thoughts and childhood memories and songs, was long and breeded an atmosphere to think, to meditate. And I thought, "I did this because of my children? A silly ride or two, for those who will come behind me? What else will I do for my children?"

The answer came soft and low. It kept resounding through my mind like a bugle calling for the rescue of some lost lamb. Anything. Anything to help my child grow strong, grow full of grace and truth. I want them to be fearless and yet fearing the Father. I want them to be humble and yet bold to proclaim His name. I want them to be kind, tenderhearted and yet stand up against evil, holding forth the Word of Truth.

What if they grow up to not do these things...not fearing Him, not bold, not standing for right. What then? Will it be because I "wouldn't"?

Parents, we must keep standing for the truth. We must live holy, because of Him who is Holy! (1 Pet 1:15-17) Why would our children live for Him, if we are not willing to do so?

God help me to pray. To give my life to what You gave Your Life to. To boldly stand for the things that Your Word teaches!

Maybe if I will, they will.

...And Worry is a giant that must be killed

Have you ever seen that child? You know. The one you told, "No you can't have that now" so they sit and sulk in a corner, because they're angry that don't haven't gotten their way. And later on, after dinner was done and it was time for the treat, and you were willing to give the child the blessed gift, they continue to sulk. They say, "No, I DON'T WANT it!" They'd rather decompose into a pile of sorrow, melt in their misery. All the while wishing they could happily reach out for the sweet gift you've offered but knowing, that if they wish to receive the gift they must first open up their hand full of bitterness to replace it with the love you've offered.

And here, just like that child, I sit, complaining and whining. I talk to God. Is He even listening? Why should He? Why would He, when all He hears is griping and grumbling.
"There must be blessing in this,Lord. I just don't see it," I stammer.
"You aren't looking for it. You don't want to see it, " He says.
He's right. He's always right.

I've been struggling under this load for almost a year. The weight I continue to carry makes me sick inside. I hate feeling this way. But I like it, too. Why? Why would someone want to feel sad, to grieve in their soul for so long? My relationships with others suffer because of it. My relationship with my husband suffers, my parents, my son. Most of all my Father. My Heavenly Father. He hates the way I feel more than I do. 

And I think inside myself. Why do I hold on to this grief? There must be a reason. Am I just used to gripping it so tightly in the palm of my hand, Am I not willing to trust another human being for fear of what they'll 'take' from me? That's it.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of letting go of it.
If I let go, I'll lose control. And I like to be in control.

And I sob because I know this is wrong. And I wish to be free of this load. The burden grows heavier with each passing day. Once in awhile, I take it off. And I'll let someone else carry it for me. I'll share this load with another, but they can't take it forever. After an hour or two of conversation and tears, it's time to go home and I hoist the burden back onto my own shoulders and trudge on. I'll even let the Master bear my burden for awhile, but I always ask for it back.

He sweetly whispers in my ear, "Cast your care on Jesus today, Leave your worry and fear; Burdens are lifted at Calvary, Jesus is very near."
I shed a tear and place the burden on my own back again and say, "I know."

Somehow I feel like I'm not the only one, shedding tears. He doesn't want this for me. He wants me to be full of joy unspeakable and overflowing.

But how do I put this off for good? How do I get rid of this awful burden and not pick it up again?

I feel like I almost have to keep taking it off. One piece at a time. And each time I do it gets easier. Maybe it's like baby steps. The first few steps a babe takes are so difficult. He falls and it hurts and he hates to try for fear. Fear of losing control. But if he doesn't get up and try again, he'll never learn to walk, to run, to soar! The child would stop growing, stop learning, stop becoming.

I don't want to stop becoming. I want to be like my Father! I want to learn to walk like He walks, give like He gives, love like He loves.

And that's it. I must practice putting off my burden. Letting go. Losing control. And I don't like doing it, because I'm afraid of what might happen. I worry.

And Worry is a giant that must be killed.

So, Worry-free living must be practiced. When I am uncomfortable, I'll give it to God. And when my mind races with what might happen, I'll give it to God. And when I don't want to, but, I know I should, I'll give it to God.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

I'm so thankful for my Church family and for the message Dr. Barber preached just last night on "Let's Go Giant Killing" - Ever get the feeling that maybe the Lord had someone preach a specific sermon and you were the only one in the audience that it was intended for? Ya. That was me. Last night.

Thank You, Lord, for Your messenger.

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