{the second birth} | part two

(this is part two of the second birth story, you may want to read Part 1 first by clicking here)

Wednesday afternoon was quiet and uneventful. My mom and dad told me I should go lie down, so I did. I remember watching a few "Comfort Measures, by Penny Simkin" Youtube videos and some relaxtion videos then drifting off into a relaxed dreamy state. I woke up to potty 15 minutes later, fumed about it for 10 more minutes, then went back to sleep.

I got up about an hour and a half later feeling rested. I remember looking around my room...it was clean and calm. It was peaceful. Will was asleep down the hall. My parents were in the living room reading. I decided right there, that "...after church tonight, I'll be ready. It's time."

My closet was a mess of over-worn maternity clothes, so I opted for a jean skirt, along with a sweater over a mustard tee and tied a bow around it that sat a top of my big round belly. I teased my hair, pulled it up into a messy bun, and put on some make-up.

*looking into the mirror down at my belly...

"I'm ready if you are. I'm happy to meet you, little one. I love you. Daddy loves you. Will...well, he's gonna love you too."

We left for church.

This time I only got one, "You haven't had that baby yet?!?" comment. (See previous pregnancy comments because of being passed due). Pretty sure that's because we didn't tell anyone our due date this time around.

On purpose.

Well, after church, Tyler told me that Pastor was going to be out of town on Sunday and he was going to have the opportunity to preach that night in our church. I remember looking at him and saying that it was exciting but how sad I was to miss it, since "I was really wanting to have the baby on Friday."

He laughed at me.

I wasn't kidding. Well, not totally anyways.

Will and I hopped in the car and headed home. It was such a happy drive and a beautiful evening. The Moon was big and bold, full and clear. It was in the mid-fifties temperature-wise and I was ready for a night of sweet sleep.

We got home and I went to get change the pillowcase on Will's bed. As I stepped into his room, I felt a slightly wet and cold sensation. I remember stopping and thinking..."uhhhmmm. My bladder's not full. uhhh...?" I bent over and laid the pillow in his bed. There it went again. I went to the restroom to check to see what was going on and my underwear was definitely a tinge damp. I sent a hilarious text message to my midwife. I believe it went something like

"Just so you know... water may or may not have just trickled a little into my underwear. but I'm not sure. It didn't feel like pee...it didn't smell like pee...Uhhh...this is not a joke."

Then I sent one to my birth photographer.

Then my best friend ("videographer").

Then my doula.

And then Tyler.

And then I ran to the bathroom and gushed out a ton in the toilet. But I couldn't stop it. It felt like I was going to the bathroom but I was sure that I wasn't. Definitely one of the most odd feelings I've ever been privileged to feel.

Tyler was home in a little while and he laughed when he realized I was sportin' Depends. Cautiously getting up into the bed, I decided that even though I was terribly excited, that I HAD to calm down and not get to anxious. I needed to sleep if this was to be the night. Tyler and I lay in bed, talking and smiling and ready for quite awhile, then suddenly I began to get nervous again. I started telling Tyler that I was a little afraid. He asked me what I was afraid of and I answered, "...everything. The pain. The fear. The tiredness. the Deppression afterwards." I began shaking with violent chills and sat up, scared. (We've since learned that I do this when I'm incredibly nervous or anxious about the unknown. I did this in my home when in labor with Will. We thought I was in Transition, but when we reached the hospital I was only at a 5.) Tyler told me to calm down. "Lay down and think about how happy we'll be as a family. I'm right here, I'm not leaving. You're ok," he spoke with complete calmness and sureness. After a about 10 minutes, the chills stopped, and I drifted into a deep sleep.

I woke up several times in the night to use the bathroom, but would always return to bed and instantly start dreaming again. I have to say though that every time I got up to go to the bathroom I was so scared that I was going to start labor while I was on the toilet. I have the most *ahem* how shall we say, "effective" contractions while in that position..."effective" and painful.

Well, we woke up the next morning and...nothing. Not even a hint of a contraction still. I texted my midwife and she asked that I go up to the BC at some point in the day and be tested to make sure it was indeed my water breaking. Hubs went to work and my parents came over (still having no clue what was going on, I should say) and brought breakfast. I put on my most comfortable/decent looking pajama pants and a hot pink maternity sweater and told my mom that I needed to go up to the BC for some vitamins.

She was none-the-wiser and I actually did need some more B-complex. I left. It was amniotic fluid. I came home.

Fast forward through a day of silent anticipation, mixed with feelings of uncertainty, and a little bit of "Come-on-lets-just-get-this-over-withness" and you have that Thursday. Tyler came home at about 5:15, dinner wasn't even started and I asked him if we could go on "one last date". He said sure. My parents had told us earlier in the week that we needed to try to go out one more time without the baby and I had nodded in agreement but didn't really think it was necessary. But at this point, I knew. I just knew this was it.


I also knew that I needed a steak.

So we went to Outback :) yum. I got me a 6oz sirloin, and mashed potatoes, and vegetables, and we had calamari, and boy was it good! Oh ya, and my parents paid so it tasted even better. We spent the evening talking and holding hands and eating slowly, sans two-year old. And it really was lovely. I told him that I was finally, mentally ready, and I wasn't afraid anymore. I also told him that I thought it "might happen tonight." And he smiled, thinking I didn't really know. But I did.

We went home and my parents had put Will in his bed (after giving him gummi worms and ice cream, thanks guys) but he was still up, talking, laughing and singing to himself in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, making melody in his heart. *random Ephesians 5:19 reference

They left to go back to my in-law's house where they were staying and we were left alone...with a singing two-year old.

{the second birth} | part one

It was time to expand our family and I was ready and Tyler was ready and really, that's just about all you need, if the Lord was ready. And was He. I crawled into bed on that Monday morning, May 30th, gave Tyler a kiss and smiled. He looked at me and said, "what?" and I answered with another smile, "I'm pregnant!" 

Fast forward to the fourth week of August 2011 and there I was, sitting in the Keller office.
I was 15 weeks and so excited. Everything had been going well. Morning Sickness was slowly waning and my pregnancy acne was just starting. sweet. So glad my midwife, Anne, didn't judge. I listened to this heartbeat and my own begin to race. I'll never forget how sweet it sounded. The very first pitter-patter of a lifetime of love. I recorded it on my phone so that Tyler could hear it later. 

The appointments increased and so did my weight. The acne subsided but the constant craving for any type of sugary goodness did not. My morning sickness was just about completely gone by the middle of my second trimester! It had lasted so much longer with my first.

At 22 weeks we had our sonogram. We were preparing for a Birth Center birth with a Midwife instead of an in-hospital birth with Midwives, like last time. Nothing wrong with it, just didn't want the hospital experience. And since a very good hospital and an amazing back-up Dr. was less than 4 minutes away, we weren't worried. Our Midwife wanted a sono to make sure she knew about everything she could. Our baby was perfect. In fact, our sweet little one curled up into a little ball every time we tried to get a picture. We decided that we wanted the sex to be a surprise and the waiting wasn't so hard after we made up our minds. We heard it all, "Well, How will you prepare!? What if it's a girl!? You don't have anything!" Well, we knew the Lord would provide anything we needed and all of the important stuff had already been purchased when Will was a baby. So we weren't worried at all.

Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas. New Years. and then suddenly, January was over and February was upon us. I was due February 8th, a Wednesday, and believing in my body's ability to begin labor on it's own when the baby is ready, I was going to wait. The Friday before that Wednesday I casually got on Facebook and announced that I had a headache for the second day in a row and how annoyed I was...

How blessed am I to have Midwife who cares enough about me to 'stalk' my Facebook in order to make sure I'm doing well? Pretty stinkin' blessed. I don't many doctors that would be my friend on Facebook, but even if I did, how many of them would watch my statuses and keep up with every little thing I said in order to care knowledgeably for me? hmmm...Anyway, Ann advised that I check my BP. So I did. And when I told her what it was, she remembered that my BP was usually very, very low. So for it to be a teeny bit above normal was pretty high for me. She told me to get some HSII from the healthfood store and rest. I did and the headache went away. I rested all that day and the next. Then came Sunday and a thunderstorm and let me tell you how many Braxton-hicks I had that weekend. Let's just say I was hoping my parents could get there in time. Earlier that week my midwife asked me when I was going to have the baby and I had said that I didn't want to have it until my parents got in (the next Monday the 6th). I remember her saying, "Well, we're not having that baby until next week then." I thought it was funny at the time, but with my BH contractions picking up from the thunderstorms and my parents not in from Florida yet, I was getting a little anxious.

Well, the storm rolled through and Sunday ended and the next morning my parents got in. I was relieved, but still didn't feel like having the baby yet. I kept relaxing since my BP cuff kept reading high. And my mom made meals and my dad read books to Will. And we had a wonderful week. My parents respected our decision to wait and there was no pressure on this momma to have her wee one until it was time. I do think my dad was a little anxious, since my first baby was 10 late and my dad had to go to a conference in two weeks. But he never said anything to me about it.

Monday passed, and Tuesday passed, and then Wednesday came and I went to my "due date" appt. with my midwife. They asked how I was feeling, if I was nervous, we went over my BP readings from the weekend. Still elevated but no threat. I decided against any exams, there's no point. They don't change anything. Why introduce bacteria and put yourself on an emotional roller coaster for something that may or may not happen within the next few days. Nope. No "call me now for your free centimeter readings", Miss Cleo. And so Ann sent me home with a smile and a hug and said, "whenever you're ready." 

And I left with a peace and a calmness. I have to say that before this point I was worried. My first birth was long (17 hours) and hard and pretty intense. And I didn't want that again. I didn't want to be afraid either. So I started "speaking truth over that fear" as my christian midwife told me to. I prayed and asked God to help me accomplish the task set before me and when I did I knew he listened. We headed home and I decided that I would be ready to have my baby by the end of the week.

Easter, 12 Little Chicks, and a grumpy two year old...

Easter 2012
We had our Easter dinner & Egg hunt with the GP's the night before.
and with that said...

These are the "12 little Chicks" from Sesame Street...One of his favorite songs

Easter-afternoon-not-so-nap. aka "Candy overload"

Anna was fine though ;)

This was supposed to be the sibling picture. l.o.l.

Happy Easter, from the Gillit family!

He sat on her head...

I have been busy...too busy. My pictures of life are piling up in files and not making it on here.

Anna is growing up so much. Her eyes are looking less and less blue every day. And more and more brown in the daylight. She is tracking us so well now and loving her daddy. He blows raspberries and it's her favorite.

Will is growing up so big and strong. I keep saying the potty training will commence on a week where we're not so so busy...and then things pile up. and I buy more diapers. and say "this is the LAST BOX I buy."
His favorite thing right now is the 'ABC's'. He will sing it until he is blue in the face. And he'll talk to you until you answer. And he'll climb onto you and smash your toes with his size 7 shoes in the process. There he'll sit on your legs and take your face in his hands and force you to pay attention to him. In fact, he tried to sit in Anna's lap the other day.

Let me rephrase.

He sat on her head.

And then I screamed- *ahem -raised my voice, so that he would understand the seriousness of him maiming her for life. He awkwardly hoisted himself off her tiny frame and smiled like, "What?"

This is who he has been lately.

She's an angel, of course...so far.

And now the most hilarious take from the past month.

He fell in his toy box...when he was *supposed to be* napping. Yes, I took a picture and then helped him. Bad mommy.

Here are a few more moments I hope never to forget.

and then I came home and cried...

Yesterday was hard. No, it was really, really hard. I think I would've cried a bucket of tears if I had not been surrounded by people...namely, my friends. Friends with kids who obey them.

And there I sat.

Asking him to do something over and over. And did he respond? No. Did he obey? No. In fact, that's all I heard. "NO!" and then my faced turned scarlet in embarrassment and my heart ached like never before.

Why did it ache?

For plenty of reasons, actually. Because my child is turning into a little man. Because he doesn't want to listen. Because I was ignored. Because I was ignored in front of others. Because I was embarrassed about being ignored in front of others. Because I questioned where I'd gone wrong, what had I not done right, even wondered why I was trying, and then feeling guilty that I wondered why I was trying.

Every mom goes through something. And it may not be this. Maybe you're child's quiet. Too quiet. Maybe their bully-ish. Maybe they are bossy. But even knowing that we all have our battles, I sat there on that beige carpet, surrounded by friends, feeling ashamed and so alone.

And then I came home and cried.

People will give advice and pointers and try their best to help. They'll give scripture and remedies and books and quote great authors. But when you're sitting there, a complete mess and ready to give up, all you can do it pray. And so I did... And to all of you sweet moms out there giving it your best and it doesn't seem good enough. Just know, it's not. But His best is perfect.

Lord help me when the days are so long,
and my temper is so short,
and my eyes are tired, and my arms ache, and my spirit is sad.
Lord help me when my flesh is stronger than my knowledge of You,
and my tears flow more than the smiles do,
and my heart breaks more than it laughs.
Lord help me when I more like me than I am like You,
when I'm less of the mother I should be and more of the sinner You redeemed.
when I am more of what I am than what You would have me become. And help me as I teach them to be like You, to learn more of You myself.

one month of Anna

She is amazing. Ten soft fingers with nails that tend to peel as soon as they start to get long. Ten little toes on these rather long feet. Three chins, that take a little while to clean every morning and a short stubby body, unlike her older brother who was always rather long and lanky. Her inner thighs have smallish rolls around the diaper and she likes to sleep with her eyes open. A grunter and a snorter and likes the all-you can-eat-buffet of mommy's milk. I haven't painted her as lady-like but she really is quite beautiful. I don't know for sure but she has this beautiful auburn hair and these navy-grey eyes that are getting a warm hazel ring around the pupil... and seems to have a warm skin tone like her momma. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking into a mirror. Our baby pictures are so alike, except...she has hair. Thank goodness.

arms to hold

He is two years of age.

No longer does his body curl up like a round ball in my arms.

And I watch this new one

Wrapped in this pink and white striped gown,

Her deep auburn strands shining in the window light,

And I think, I need to enjoy it;

Every moment that I have.

Because he won't let me do this anymore.

He barely pauses for a hug,

One long enough to satisfy my aching heart.

Our time is so precious

It is truly a gift.

Thank You, Lord

Thank You for this gift

Life and love and happiness is mine.

I don't deserve it.

Help this momma,

My mind to calm

And my heart to feel,

My arms to hold 

And love.

All that You've given

With all that I am.